Alone (songfic)
by Ashe1
Summary: Heero is forced to make a decision in his life regarding Duo.


Mobile Suit _Gundam Wing  
_Alone Songfic  
Song by Heart  
Songfic written by Ashe

Author's Notes:  
Somewhat inspired by the real story behind this song. I won't go into details as it will ruin it for you. Enjoy, I hope!

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters are trademarked and copyright by Ban Dai. This is a work of fiction and is not intended to make money so do not distribute it with that purpose in mind!

Warning:   
This story contains yaoi inferences, swearing, angst, death, and of course the Gundam Wing boys. You have been warned.

Alone  
By Ashe

_I hear the ticking of the clock  
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark_

Heero lain out on his bed quietly reflecting on the last few days. The nurses had been kind enough to give him a spot to sleep away from it all. He needed time to think. It wasn't everyday you found out a part of you was going to die. 'How do you deal with this?' wondered Heero staring at the ceiling. He could hear the clock ticking in the background. It was more an annoyance at the time than anything else. It did help him keep from sleep. He didn't want to sleep. Then he'd have the dreams again. He didn't like those dreams. They terrified him. He was sure the pounding rain outside wasn't helping his sleep at all either, or the constant thunder.

And so the perfect soldier lay there, terrified. There was something funny in that, but Heero wasn't in the laughing mood. It hurt inside. It hurt a lot. How was he going to tell the others. He was sure they didn't know. They couldn't know. A tear formed in his left eye and slowly rolled down his cheek. Why did it have to hurt so much?

_I wonder where you are tonight  
No answer on the telephone_

Heero picked up the phone again. He dialed a number he knew by heart. The hospital nurse could tell him nothing more. Didn't she understand it hurt? Couldn't she feel his pain? This was getting unbearable. He dragged himself from the bed, dragging the sheets behind him, much like the death shrouds of old. Duo would have been proud. 'What a sight I am' thought Heero, taking stock of his physical condition after a look in a mirror on the wall.

His hair was matted on one side from the tears he had shed. His eyes were puffy and swollen and he looked as though he had been beat up several times over. Heero walked around for a bit more, still fighting sleep. It had been four days after all. He walked the halls of the hospital for what seemed like several hours before making his way back to the room.

'It's not fair,' thought Heero as he approached the half open door. He sniffled back a tear. He had just found his only love, and now it was being snatched away from him in some cruel joke. Did Duo know his condition? Was Duo even aware of his own condition? Heero pushed the door open to reveal Duo's form on the bed, or at least what he thought was Duo. He couldn't tell with all the tubes and wires that were attached. 

"Are you in there, my Shinigami?"

_And the night goes by so very slow  
Oh I hope that it won't end though  
Alone_

Heero sat quietly in the chair next to Duo's bed. He had been like this for several days. Heero had brought him in when he couldn't wake him. The Doctor's said it was cancer. A brain tumor. There was something wrong with that. Shinigami should die a hero in battle, not some vegetable in a hospital room, not now. Not ever. 

More tears flowed down Heero's burning cheeks. Why now? They had finally shared their bed not 2 days before. Nothing had been wrong. It had been a perfect moment. No lust, no pain, just love between two people who cared deeply for each other. Heero buried his face in his hands and wept again.

_Till now I always got by on my own  
I never really cared until I met you  
And now it chills me to the bone  
How do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone_

Heero drifted off for a minute, remembering the past. He had always been alone before Duo. It had been both his blessing and his curse. The perfect soldier needed no one. But that was a lie, because deep down Heero knew he needed someone, someone special. Someone that could understand him. Relena tried to fill that void, but she couldn't seem to grasp what he was thinking or what he needed. That was when he met Duo. Duo brought out the best in him, the best in all of them. He inspired them to do great things. Certainly Heero had done great things before Duo, but Duo had given him something he had lost along the way; a heart.

Duo had broken that cold exterior and found the heart within the darkness. He had warmed Heero's heart up to a temperature that could feel love. Heero cracked a smile in his sleep. His Shinigami.

_You don't know how long I have wanted  
To touch your lips and hold you tight_

Duo and Heero had lain together for several hours after. They shared all their thoughts, their feelings, on war, on love, life. It had been enlightening, enriching for Heero. It had opened Heero's eyes to a world of thoughts and feelings he never realized he could have. They lay together, snuggled tightly against each other, sharing their mutual heat.

The next morning Duo didn't wake up.

_You don't know how long I have waited  
and I was going to tell you tonight_

Heero lifted his head. Nothing had changed. He glanced briefly at the brainwave monitor. It still registered nothing. Heero couldn't bear it. He went to leave. He'd cover himself in the cold again. He could do it. It wasn't too late after all. There was still time. It had only been a few days. The rain would help, and the dreams. He would embrace those and it would all be better again. He was almost out the door when he swore he heard Duo's voice.

He turned hoping, but still nothing had changed. Life was still unfair. Duo still had cancer. He was still going to die sometime within the month. For all intents and purposes Shinigami was already gone. Heero slumped against the wall his green shirt riding up as he slid down, his usual blank expression trying to force its way through a mask of grief. He knew it wouldn't work, but it had been worth a try.

_But the secret is still my own  
and my love for you is still unknown  
Alone_

Heero walked over to Duo's bed. He leaned over the prone form of his lover. He wanted to kiss Duo, to tell him it would be all right. It was no use though. There was nothing he could do. Shinigami had come for its avatar. He leaned across the bed, hugging where he could, looking for some sign of comfort, but found none.

"This isn't right," said Heero.

He reached over and began removing the life support equipment. Tears began to flow once more, but stopped before they could become a river. The well had dried up. The wires had to go. All of them. Shinigami deserved better than this. He pulled the tubes, the IVs. It all had to go. Heero leaned over Duo's body, getting in close to his face, planting one kiss on the lips that had been so full of life not so long ago.

"I love you, my Duo."

_Till now I always got by on my own  
I never really cared until I met you  
And now it chills me to the bone  
How do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone_

Heero walked down the corridors of the hospital. He had cleaned up a bit but still looked half dead. He headed for the front door. Shinigami was dead. He had stayed until he was sure Duo had expired. It had been the only thing to do. The only right thing. Heero was sure of it. His lover would not have tolerated his weakness. In his hands he carried a solitary cross. His fingers ran over it, feeling it's pain, it's hurt. It brought Heero some comfort. Maybe Duo would find more happiness, wherever he was.

He sighed lightly and began the long walk home. It would seem so empty now. No one would ever be able to fill that space. It belonged to Duo Maxwell. It would belong to him for all time. There was no denying that. He would forever remember they're good times together and the night they shared. 

The rain beat down on Heero with an unforgiving torrent, causing a slight sting on his skin. His shirt had stuck to him early in the trip, it's weight coupled with the rain pressing in on him. It just made him long for Duo. He could somehow feel Duo with him, watching over him, even through the rain. Duo did so love the rain. Heero looked up into the sky and felt the rain splash on his face and smiled.

The cross had somehow made it around his neck as he had walked. He smiled at it, the first smile he'd had in days. Not even the cold and unfeeling rain could wash these emotions away. Maybe he wouldn't be so alone after all.

_How do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone  
Alone, alone_

END


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